The Boss told me that one of his customers had called him to complain about me. Great, I thought, a bollocking is all I need about now. Can you guess what the gentleman complained about? Apparently the last time I drove him I was too slow, and that I need to step it up if we're to retain his business.
You must be kidding.
This is the chauffeur's dilemma in a nutshell: divining what the customer is thinking, and figuring a way to make it happen.
The captains of industry we drive are often in a hurry. They believe they can arrive at Tampa Airport forty minutes before the flight leaves, and catch the thing at a stroll. Actually, they plan to arrive forty minutes before the scheduled departure, allow ten percent less than normal for the journey to the airport in one of our Towncars, and make that their pickup time.
They then walk out of their house or office fifteen minutes after that arranged time, fully expecting bods like me to pick up the slack on the highway. It's a joke.
Any idiot can drive fast. It's in your driver's licence, look, it says "The holder is now allowed by the state to put the accelerator flat to the floor and go like the wind." The problem is that my job is to get you where you are going safely, expeditiously and comfortably. If you have a death-wish or want these priorities re-ordered you have to tell me. I am not a mind reader.
When it's obvious that the heavy breather sitting behind is frustrated with me obeying posted speed-limits (body language tells all) I might bring my speed back down just a fraction. Or I move over a lane behind someone slow. Sometimes this insolence will force them to speak up, saying something like:
"I'm in a hurry, you know,"
Or
"My flight leaves at ten o'clock".
If there's snark in my veins at this time, I'll say to them:
"Sir, I can get you there as fast as lightning, but I need your assurance that you will pay my speeding fine and any legal fees".
That shuts 'em up.
Lord help any one of their minions who suggests he disregard the SEC or whatever agency regulates his business. Why, that's outrageous you ask him to break the law. But if you're a dumb sedan driver running I-75 day in and day out, well, that's fine.
Fuck them. And fuck that piss-weak jerk who wasn't man enough to say to my face that I should drive with a little more brio. No, big asshole had to call the boss, and bitch mano-a-girlo.
Pfft.
Also published here. [link]
4 comments:
what did your boss say to him, sugar? the interesting to me is that there's probably something in the contract he signed for the services that says, oh, i dunno, something about the driver obeying all traffic rules, regulations and laws! y'all are still aces in my book, darlin! xoxoxo
Well, to his credit, The Boss defended me, saying that it was company policy to at all times obey all road rules, and that he expected nothing less of all his drivers.
So you got it right, Sugar, and I'm blushing at your faith in me!
And you are a fool if you think, driving as much as you do, you are going to get away with a lot of speeding. I've driven I-75 and just staying with the flow of traffic will get you 5 over almost anytime.
Quite so, Don. You might get away with some fudging for a while, but not forever.
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