Beer in a Limousine

Beer has no downside.

Let me clarify that: it has one downside, and that is that fluid cannot be stored in the body forever. As the aphorism goes, once the cork's out of the bottle, there's no stopping it, so part of the art of drinking beer is the science of keeping one's beer buoyancy. Simply put, go to the bathroom regularly, and you'll always have room for more beer.

During the recent basketball finals, I drove some long-time customers to watch Cleveland play Orlando, in Orlando. These guys were very well organized. They had good tickets right under the bucket, they had changes of clothing, they were calling all their friends to make sure they looked for them on television, and they had beer.

They had a lot of beer.

Limousines have iceboxes, but they're delicate, effeminate things, meant more for wine or champagne. Even the biggest of them can hold only 2/3 of a six-pack together with the ice, and so are only marginally useful for committed beer-drinkers, like my guys that night.

The answer if you're a beer-a-philic limousine renter is to load up some boffo-sized coolers into the passenger compartment, put a spare in the trunk, and an 'emergency cooler' up front with me. I was in awe of their style.

Fast forward to about four-hundred yards short of I-4's exit 83, the exit for Orlando's home, Amway Stadium. My boys have already stopped twice for de-fueling. Unfortunately the finals traffic overwhelmed the available road, and so we were proceeding at about ten yards per quarter hour.

Inevitably, the lads started talking about their need to retain beer buoyancy. It was mooted that we were moving so slowly that they could jump out, piss on the freeway, and jump back in before we'd moved too far.

This is not the kind of talk one wants to hear as a limo driver. A vision of sober recriminations, lawsuits and The Boss blaming me scared me to action.

"Why not use the plastic cups?" I confidently suggested. "They're what I use when I'm caught short."

Some muttering ensued, a few minutes passed, we traveled another three feet, and I see the "Door Ajar" light illuminate on my dashboard. It goes out. Then it goes on again. Then it goes out.

You get the picture. My gentlemen had figured out that a slash in a cup relieved the pressure, and the only place to dump the product was on the highway. Problem is that a plastic cup holds only so much.

Most guys were what we later called "Three Door Openers", but the winner was a "Four Door Opener".

And they say the NBA has all the champions.



Technorati: NBA, Limousine Life, Beer, Orlando Magic.