Thursday, January 3, 2008

Doctor, heal thyself


In south-west Florida, where I live, there's big business in plastic surgery. Let me amend that: there's big business in all medical procedures. This guy, along with many of his colleagues, even advertises on billboards, in case you have urgent need for sterilization as you drive the interstate.

Doctors, therefore, form a considerable chunk of The Boss's Limousine's clientele, a mixed blessing for we drivers. The qualities you want in a medical professional often make them pains in the arse as passengers - decisiveness, attention to detail and thoroughness are great in the operating room. In the back seat of a limousine those characteristics become peremptory, crabby and thoroughgoing, which makes for a horrible drive.

Prior to collecting one doctor, a woman, from Tampa airport, The Boss said to be careful, because none of the other drivers liked her. Jessica, our only lesbian chauffeur, even called her a cow - in fact, she called her a fucking cow. Holding my sign at the base of the escalators, Madam Doctor made herself known, and I nearly burst out laughing. She had one of the worst face-lifts I have ever seen, rivalling even this little shop of horrors.


In one of God's little jokes, it turned out that she is herself a plastic surgeon, a decision she must contemplate with irony looking in the mirror every morning.

My laughter soon turned to salty tears as she berated me first for activating the air conditioning, and then for the roadworks that were slowing our progress along I-275.

"How long will this last for?" she asked in exasperated tone.

"I'm sorry Doctor Botch, I'll phone the folks in charge and get it stopped immediately."

As I said, simultaneously controlling, impatient and stupid. Just what you want in your medical professional.

What other blogs are saying: Doctors are arseholes, plastic surgery isn't an answer.

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10 comments:

Enigma said...

maybe she should book herself in for a labotomy.

Girl said...

Oh that living Barbie girl is scary. She admits her addiction at least but why do the doctors keep doing surgery when her mind needs tending to?!
Sick and sad.

A friend had a vasectomy pamphlet on his fridge for a bit. The tag line on it?
Making men unproductive members of society for x years.

*smile*

savannah said...

here's to growing old gracefully, sugar1 cheers!

(love the new blog)

Anonymous said...

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!
It's a live barbie!
I'm going to have horrifying dreams for a week now.
Oh the inhumanity of it all.

It's nice to see there is karmic justice every now and again.

Vi said...

Are you really surprised? Plumbers have the worst plumbing, Mechanics the worst cars, Builders the worst houses, etc. She probably operated on herself!

Unknown said...

Oh. My!

W, that is some uncomfortable. Do they want you to look at their overly-botched faces? Is that a compliment? Or should we avoid the faces altogerher? hmmmm - was the face overcooked to ensure folks take a peek at her peaks??

Are doctors the worst of the lot?

Wombat said...

Enigma, that's not a bad suggestion. I'm sure she has a neurosurgeon friend who could do that for her.

Pain in the arse, she was.

Ha ha, Girl, I like that vasectomy line. Very amusing.

The plastic girl is famous is she? I thought I had seen her (sad) melon elsewhere. Talk about insane as well as scary.

People are weird.

Here's to the grace, Savannah, but do I have to grow old? There must be some way to circumvent that part of the deal.

Oh, that would mean plastic surgery. I guess I just answered my own question.

Traumatized, let this be a lesson to you. Keep it real, keep your face, keep your mind, you'll win the race.

That's what it looked like, VI! Like she had propped a mirror on her belly and someone was there to hand her the instruments. Seriously. It was the worst, tightest facelift I have ever seen. And she was soon to be off to Melbourne to lecture on surgical techniques. I wonder if the Aussie audience laughed her off the stage.

All questions I asked myself Kelly. They are the ones raised by her awfulness, and yet she clearly didn't see a problem.

Yep, doctors are the worst. More stories to come...oh, so many stories.

Girl said...

I do believe the picture you have of Barbie Girl is from Oprah.

She is a mess.
And has more surgeries lined up.

Unknown said...

Crikey, she does?

They need to surgery-ize a smile on her before she loses the ability.

And what about the bastard/bitch doctors who keep doing this butchery?

Weird. People are just weird.

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