Even in my snoozy Gulf-side town, there is a bad neighbourhood problem. Naturally, that's where The Boss's office and warehouse resides, because it's cheap, and he's cheap. Late at night, after the clients are dropped off, we chauffeurs still have work to do. The car must be refueled, cleaned and prepared for the next adventure. It's a complete pain in the butt after a long day, I can tell you, a chore made worse by the lowlife pondscum hanging around the place.
Soon after I started driving, it was clear that these very late night stops at even well-lit gas stations were the points of greatest risk. The ones closest to our place are the worst of the worst, and yet we are obliged to use them. They are populated with a mix of the drugged, the drunk, the indigent, the violent and the criminal. The individuals who worry me most are the drunk mental cases, who are likely schizophrenic. Who knows what the voices will tell them to do next.
I have discovered that the single best determinant for a bad neighbourhood is adult men riding bicycles at night. Think about it: it is 3:00 am, when normal people are at home in bed. If men, and not just one or two, are riding around fully awake at that time of the night, what the heck are they doing?
No good, says I. Which is why I bought, and carry, a gun, in case one of those motherfuckers decides to try something.
Technorati: Bad Neighbourhood, Limousine Life, Motherfuckers, Men on Bicycles.
52 comments:
As long as you know how to use it safely, no huhu. I'd even look at getting a concealed carry permit.
What sort of gun do you have Wombie?
Does it shoot around corners Bro'?
Is it fooolly automatic? *doing that hand finger thing*
And heres me thinking you were just pleased to see me....oh, well.
I always carry a gun with me (thigh holstered of course) when I,m riding around on my bike late at night, with nothing but the voices in my head to keep me company .
Because you never know when some mad marsupial driving a limo,with a twitchy trigger finger,and the safety off, might let off a round or too.
*laughing*
Is it wrong that my first thought was "He's been assimilated by the Borg"...
I grew up with a rifle in the house and a pistol on the boat; I could fire both.
oh shit wombie, I can't believe you've had to resort to a gun to feel safe! I'm quite lucky to be living in a country where guns are still illegal. Here's hoping you will never have to use it.
Ooooh, is it a S&W?
Which is why I bought, and carry, a gun, in case one of those motherfuckers decides to try something.
You sounded very gangster right there wombat!
Are you covering your bases in case the bikers might be reading this blog???
Yes, Darkneuro, that's a good point. Fortunately here in Florida, as long as it's in a bag or a box or other container in the car, it's okay.
Enigma, of all the people I should be talking to about weapons, it's you!
There is no way for me to come back at your comment, it stands as a work of art on its own!
*thigh holster*
*hot*
Girl, you have more experience than me then. Any tips for using a handgun in a threatening manner whilst not actually discharging the thing?
VI, sure, I never want to use it. But better that we good guys have them in order to protect me and anyone else I can from the baddies.
Baddies + guns = bad.
Goodies + guns = bliss.
Eileen, how did you know?
Smith and Wesson revolver.
Chick, you got my intent perfectly! I was trying to be Jules, from Pulp Fiction.
English, motherfucker, do you speak it?
There's a little of the tough guy in this Wombat, let me tell you, baby.
I hope everyone reads this blog, and knows not to mess with the Wombat.
*who's kidding who here?*
*pssst Wombie, come behind behind garage,I,ve got something to show you*
You know I can get you something better than an old S&W.
What you need is an HK USP .45 Auto, its a compact handgun, has an extendable barrel , and is modified for sound supression, so its what ALL the heavy marsupials are packing this season.
I wouldnt pull it out unless your going to use it , though, I suppose that an analogy for many things.
Now how come I didn't ask you for this excellent advice at the time, Enigma?
I like your style, and I sure want to be up with the latest Heavy Marsupe firearm fashion this season.
Sheesh, I'm gonna be laughed out of my chapter at this rate.
I wouldnt pull it out unless your going to use it , though, I suppose that an analogy for many things.
D'accord.
Sorry, knife aficionado myself.
I have my cute little throwing knives with the weighted handles and then my big ass bowie that usually scares them off just at the sight of it. I have my name engraved in that one. For real.
Though it does tend to freak out guys when they sleep over and i put it beneath my pillow before turning out the lights.
All jokes aside,Wombie, its probably a good idea if you do a firearms course, just so you feel comfortable with it, I would hate to see you ,or anyone else ,get hurt.
And I know that you are probably the "cool under pressure" type so this isnt casting any aspersions on your manly marsupialness.
Why, Lakota, do I have a vision of you in a circus, doing that trick of throwing knives at a midget on a game wheel whizzing around at 100mph?
Why is that?
Aye aye, Enigma. Yes, seriously, you are right. I have driven past the range a few times, and have plenty of ammo to go blast away for a while.
In fact, next weekend would be the perfect time. Thank you for the friendly advice.
Now, about that thigh holster...
It really is a good idea, to get some target experience Wombat. And if I come to America, maybe Lakota and I can have a knife and axe throwing contest, sure beats mud wrestling,
I,m amazed that in Florida you don't have to have a license to carry a firearm. America, the land of the free.
The thigh holster....Well, I am licensed to carry concealed weapons.
How about knife throwing while mud wrestling, enigma? I bet we could charge admission.
I've never tried throwing an axe... hmmmm.
Wombie, it was a small furry tied to the wheel. I swear I only knicked him once.
No mud wrestling? What if I asked nicely and offered to clean you down afterwards?
I paid $12 for my hunting licence, which entitles me to own pretty much anything. I can't carry a concealed weapon, as you note, that's a different kettle of wasps.
The deal with the gun in the car is like I said. It can't be on the seat beside me, and it can't be on my person. But it can be in the central console or the glove compartment, in a box or a bag.
Gasp!
Lakota, you wouldn't put your favourite marsupe up on the spinning wheel would you?
Suddenly I'm feeling extremely vulnerable.
Mud wrestling and knives.
Lakota, you've got it going on. Now, what say we sell tickets. I'll cut you and Enigma in on the action, natch.
Whaddaya say?
Its a thought Lakota, I,m sure the attendance would be huge, but it would make the knife handles too slippery. You can get special small throwing axes, they are light and the handle is balanced so they spin properly.
My God Wombie, a $12 license to kill , the mind boggles.
See, you ladies have the Brains Trust working now. I feel like you're Wombat's Angels. Can I send you out on dangerous missions that require sexy outfits and slick wordplay?
You'll need a third, though. Or even a fourth, fifth and sixth. I wouldn't want to limit the scope here.
Mmmmmm. Wombat's Angels. I like the sound of that.
In your dreams Wombie,
Can I be the smart one? Just PLEASE don't make me the blonde one. I'll do anything Charlie... I mean Wombie. I'm in as long as I get to kick ass on a regular basis and look good doing it.
You won't reconsider, Enigma? Aren't we all living the dream? C'mon, just give it a try.
LP, you can be whichever one you want. You can be the kicking arse one if you like. Kicking arse and using knives to deadly (or near-deadly) effect.
You'll look good because violence gives you that healthy-girl glow.
That plus there's the makeup trailer.
I think any advice I could have given has been said.
I suppose you could just leave it unloaded and throw it at the baddie if waving it in his/her face doesn't work.
Thats right Wombie, I forgot what I do for a living is "living the dream"
Actually its part of the contract of working with my company ,that the crew, when they are female, have to wear hot pants and thigh high boots when their driving their hover crafts.
Makeup trailer? ~perking up~
Okay-dokey then. I'm sold. Except we should be called Wombie's Devils. I'm the total kickass one in the black leather with the tight ass.
Oh wait a minute...
I'm already the kickass one in the leather with the tight ass - what do I need you for again?
thats the spirit lakota, we dont need an agent taking 30% of our profits.
Girl, you don't know how often I have thought that the safest thing might be for me to do just that. After all, they don't know it isn't loaded, do they?
It still conjurs up a (blackly) funny scenario. "Man throws handgun at attackers."
Hot pants, thigh boots, hovercraft...see, you're living the Wombat's Angels lifestyle already Enigma!
Oh crap, I hate it when the talent revolts. One more time...
...you Enigma and Lakota need me to give you your missions every week. And I get to help you choose outfits.
There will be first rate craft services too...
...and I'll negotiate on my fee...
Take it out in trade?
Just so long as you get your pound of flesh, eh?
Awww come on! That was wit at it's best. Sharp as a knife...
'kay... maybe not.
Hesus!
There should be some serious hazard pay.
I used to carry a knife back in my younger days in motherland. But ever since the terrorist bombings, I couldn't carry it anymore since all public establishments had guards to do security checks.
I'm not a big fan of guns, and I use public transport (don't have a car, don't think I'm ready to be responsible for one). I haven't been mugged before and would like to see how well I do. If I die, well, then that's one less life I have to worry about.
Lakota, you're a wit beyond reproach. Sharp as a tack. Cutting edge. Edgy.
Etcetera.
Kelly, I know! Pretty scary stuff for an innocent Aussie bloke like moi.
IP, I guess that makes you a fatalist. Or even a nihilist. Or more likely an existentialist. Do you like Sartre? Your writing actually reminds me of his.
That was sarcasm again wasn't it?
Hmmm... "Iron Fatalist"... "Iron Nihilist"... "Iron Existentialist"... I'll go with A because it sounds cooler.
I'm not that familiar with Sartre, but I should read about him. I'm flattered that my style reminds you of him.
Wombat - mate... everyone here in Oz should remember that a wombat's pouch points to the rear - unlike all his marsupial cousins! What a place to try and do a quick draw from... the feat (if ever attempted) would boggle my mind!
Not to mention make my eye's water... ;-)
Always hated handguns. Most unsafe weapon; simply because the are so short (when compared to a rifle), and as a result, have an extremely tight arc of action in which it can be brought to bear. It takes 'time' to bring a rifle around on target... a mere twitch of an arm puts you in the picture immediately!
I've looked down the wrong end of more weapons then I care to remember Wombat - mostly out of this country - and it was never a pleasant experience.
I always hated the need to arm yourself in the presence of unpredictable people... worst case scenario is that the weapon doesn't scare them at all, and only eggs them on. They take it off you and use it against you! Hard to deal with that... sod that for a lark!
Nup - bugger that for a game of soldiers Wombat lol!
LP, I shall leave that for your well-developed sense of these things.
Iron Fatalist, now that is a cool moniker. If you're going to read some Sartre, try Being and Nothingness.
Alternatively, Albert Camus might appeal. While Sartre was an out and out communist, Camus (his one-time friend) started out there, but moved via anarchism to relatively mild socialism. Camus hated nihilism. I recommend The Plague or L'Étranger.
Belongum, as always, you bring a chuckle to my lips, and a tune to my heart.
As you rightly say, bugger that for a game of soldiers. Sadly, it isn't a game.
And thus ends the irony of it all eh Wombat...?!
Nup - not a scenario I relish at all! Hope Harry's got you covered for such risks... but I'm guessing that's not a likely scenario mate?
Every now and then, my training rears up from the deep recesses of my mind, and wants me to take up some obscure role somewhere where I can sharpen old skills and make them useful again (like in Iraq for example).
My body isn't slow in retaliating to this silliness - a quick kick in the teeth of this peculiar 'urge', and my body resumes absolute control... it in no-way EVER wants to be that uncomfortable in life again - that's for sure! Besides - I like what I live for now... much more then ever.
Cheers ;-)
oh wombat, i just read this...
is it REALLY necessary?? REALLY??
For what he's doing and where he has to return to - Yes, it's necessary.
Don't believe all those TV shows about Florida. It's not paradise.
The gun course is an excellent suggestion.
i know i'm strange, but i'd rather someone shoot, hurt, rape me than to live with the fact that i shot someone, deserving or not.
that's how much i'm against guns.
so.... it's not necessary.
I had someone aim a swan off shot gun 6 inches from my head once, in a shop I worked at, I said the first thing that came into my mind ,"would you like a cigarette" (he looked nervous and was shaking)
He said "Yes, I would" So I lit one up for him, gave it to him, and told him that he wasn,t allowed to smoke in the shop, he said "Oh, I,m sorry" and left.
A true story.
PS Skinny, I am a Buddhist,and cant bear to hurt any living thing, but I also work with guns everyday, so they can exist together.
i know they exist together...
but i came from a place where there is no private ownership of guns, no military (other than provided by the Brits before and China now, but they stay inside their camps)....
and we are one of the most safe city in the world. a single girl never has to worry about walking anywhere 3 am....
i don't think i'll ever get use to the idea of ordinary people owning guns/weapons.
Let me try that again, i DO find the idea of ordinary people carrying weapons scarey, Skinny
W,
I'm with you 100% pal. There's nothing quite as out of place as someone riding a 10-speed at 3am. I would be the farm that they're up to NO good. I see this far too often, and am always curious where the fuzz is. You know some kid is wondering where his bike went and how the hell is he going to get to school.
And, there's no harm in packing some heat.
Belongum I was going to suggest that you come and ride shotgun for me for a while...until I realized the irony of that too.
In truth, the one great advantage I have is my accent. If the dumbest of drunk psycho nutburgers was to bail me up and demand cash, I can guarantee that anything I said would be met with Huh? Waddijasay?
At which point they're so bamboozled I run away.
Therein the most philosophic response to threat of violence: language as a shield.
But I'll keep carrying the revolver coz bullets aren't open to interpretation.
Hello Nitebyrd, how nice to meet you. Welcome. I can't help wondering how you found us here, but you clearly know Florida well.
Skinny, this is where we differ. If someone wants to lay a hand on me or a friend or family or any innocent person around me with intent to harm, I have zero problem pumping rounds into them.
I guess this stems from a willingness to see the world in terms of good and evil, rather that diversity and moral equivalence.
It's supremely ironic to me that China is a place where the military has guns, and is an unopposed branch of government.
The point of the Second Amendment in the United States is that people can be armed against the government, in case it decides to take their freedoms away. (Other than at the ballot box.)
Spot the difference? China, communist and repressive. America, democratic and free. What weapons do Chinese folks have against their rulers?
It's not the good guys with guns who are the problem, it is the bad guys. In any case, I happily accept that there are risks involved in living in such a free place, and love the freedom to protect myself against those risks.
It's an interesting discussion, all the better for clearly held viewpoints. I like debating you, there's no ad hominem stuff, like, um, elsewhere.
Enigma, with talking skills like that, I want you to ride with me as well! You and Belongum and I would make a great posse, out there in the middle of the night, helping chauffeurs and other night workers fend off the stinky bike-riders.
No smoking. *shaking head*
Very impressive.
Jeffrey, excellent to see you my friend. That's always my question with these guys, where are the cops? I guess riding along the road on some poor schoolkid's bike at three o'dark isn't an offence, but if anything is a precursor to illegal behaviour, that is.
There is a feel of the wild west out there at that time of night, like barely controlled violent aggression. Sullen, ill-tempered violent aggression.
People with jobs and families normally don't get to see it, but I think they should. We put up with way too much of it, in my opinion.
PS: Are you Jeffrey Bezos? I had a dream that you were Mr Amazon last week. Weird.
Sheesh, is that the time? I'm knackered. Time for bed. I'll post tomorrow.
i never see the right to own a gun as anything to do with the degree of democracy for a place. no, sorry, that argument doesn't work for me.
and i wasn't trying to say we don't have our share of shit where i came from, we can't even choose our own head of government yet. but at least we could all go out and demonstrate in the count of half a million people at a time peacefully, without worrying some violence breaks out and people going crazy.
the original idea supporting the second amendment is not valid anymore, and has not been for a long long time.
you get knives or a baseball bats to a disturbed teenager, he/she goes kill a person or two, you get guns to the same person, all hells break loose.
in my opinion, a group of americans have done so much damage to the evolution of civil gun ownership (not only the deaths, but more importantly to the mentality of the ordinary folks) that they should have evaluated whether they earn that right anymore.
"...but at least we could all go out and demonstrate in the count of half a million people at a time peacefully, without worrying some violence breaks out and people going crazy."
Sorry to chime in Skinny, but I think there's no better illustration of Wombat's point than Tiananmen Square 1989. I might be wrong.
I'm also not the least bit concerned that normal peeps have guns, or the ability to get them. It's the deviants packing that concern me. The fact is that they will always be able to aquire guns regardless of the law. Our right to do so only serves to level the playing field, and makes some sleep better at night. That's not to say that I would ever want to pull the trigger with a red-dot aimed at someone's forehead.
Dub, I was laughing aloud at your dream. Agreed, wierd. You should be dreaming of long-legged women throwing themselves at you!
I wish I was Mr. Bezos. Actually, no. I only wish I had his cash. I also doubt that JB has ever been awake at 3am and in a neighborhood where a 45 year-old man wearing a hoodie is pedaling a 15 year-old 10-speed with the handlebars turned upright.
The answer to the obvious question: I was lost. :)
....but I think there's no better illustration of Wombat's point than Tiananmen Square 1989. I might be wrong....
yes, you could be wrong, i'm still yet to find a person here in the US who can really differentiate the the culture, the government, the history of Mainland China, Taiwan and Hong Kong..... yes, we do call ourselves chinese one way or the other, but we can't be more different.
i have given that up already, finding that person who knows the difference.
Jeffrey, I should be dreaming of long-legged women! Why isn't that happening? Dammit.
Lost. I believe you. Really. I do. At least you don't have to work amongst all that dross.
Skinny, I imagine you're right, that there are few people who understand the differences between the people, governments and political systems of the three places.
Having travelled frequently to Hong Kong and Taiwan (and much less so the Mainland) when I was working in Australia, you've found at least one.
Sadly, you haven't convinced me there is no link between freedom, democracy and guns of one sort or another.
I can't think of one occasion in modern history in which a more enlightened form of government replaced a less enlightened form of government without use or threat of weapons.
Even the so-called Velvet Revolution in (then) Czechoslovakia was actually won by a whole bunch of very, very deadly nuclear weapons pointed at the Soviets.
These very United States were won from the British with a very motley assortment of guns.
Europe after WWII was liberated with a lot of blood and a whole lot of very big guns.
And so on.
As the cliche goes, freedom isn't free. It must be fought for. There are always those who want to take the freedoms we enjoy here away, so defending ourselves against that only seems right.
But I understand you don't see it that way.
I agree with Wombat. I say the moment you threaten a person's right to live, you forsake your own.
Post a Comment